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Biancapaliaga,
I realised this morning in the shower that I still live in denial about being neurodivergent.
My head was tilted back, rinsing conditioner from my hair and as soon as I had the realisation, my eyes popped open with shock.
"Oh my God" I thought to myself "I am still living with a 'when this thing gets better' mentality". |
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My entire life, when I had to justify, qualify or explain to someone why my *insert undone thing here*..examples were:
- why my dishes weren't done
- why my house was a mess
- why I've eaten takeaway every night of the week and not cooked once
- why I've not showered for a number of days
- why my lawn is long and overrun with weeds
- why I haven't paid my car registration, Officer
- why I obviously cannot afford to pay the bill and your solution is to cut off my power?
A few examples pulled from various times across my life; but in my justification for all of them, I'd say something like:
- I've been sick
- the kids have been sick
- I forgot
- I completely overlooked it
- Oh, I didn't realise
- Ohhh
And, for some strange reason, I was the only one to not realise I was not convincing.
What I'd tell myself in all of this, however, was very different.
Oof, I just realised in this moment how tensed my face muscles were, just thinking about the horrid ways in which I treated myself.
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- what the f*&ck is wrong with you?
- you've had alllll this time!
- my mates can manage this, what's wrong with me that I can't?
- you weak piss of s%^t, get on with it!
These things, along with the deep belief that when I was "better" in some form, then things would pick up again.
Again.
Key word: Again.
(As if there had been some previous version of me, or my life where I had been organised and accomplished with above noted tasks in the first place).
No.
Uhhh, no.
With my head back, rinsing the conditioner, eyes popped open, I thought hard about this. |
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Had there genuinely been an earlier time where I had consistently managed to run a household, or just bloody do life?
Nah.
Am I sure?
FFS, yes.
Oh.
But, I was told I was lazy. I was told I was hopeless. Useless. Stubborn. Resistant. Insubordinate. Selfish. Self centred.
..you know..the labels you get when you don't get the labels you should have that so many adults don't want to use?
Yeah, those.
I was told those things because..
I couldn't.
I couldn't.
Can't.
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(Sorry about that. I googled "trapped".)
Hilarious.
*cough*
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Growing up in a society that values productivity, functionality, sports on the weekends and neuronormativity; I was convinced by others along the way that I was going to overcome.
I was going to overcome.
I was going to overcome me.
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And boy, did I try. For 33 years.
For 33 years until someone told me I'm autistic, PDA, ADHD, CPTSD.
Lots of letters.
The first time I felt normal.
Autistic.
So tonight, in the shower, I realised that nope..there has never been a time where I had this 'doing life' thing licked.
Not. Ever.
This is me. As I am. Now.
I get overwhelmed, and I spring into action.
I am inconsistent, and fiercely loyal.
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For a large part of my life, it was easier for people to see my behaviour as something I had to overcome. As though it was a separate beast that needed to be tamed, rather than an expression of an internalised experience.
I was a child. I didn't understand my behaviour either. But I understood not feeling safe, ever.
I knew by experience that with each and every human that entered my life in a way that allowed them to be close to me, they'd see me in distress when all felt out of control, and they would personalise it.
They'd either interpret my behaviour in their presence as an act of personal disrespect toward them, or they'd cut ties with punitive measures, rejection or abandonment.
Being that young person is not easy.
And nope. I haven't lapsed in my daily living, and "things will be okay when I'm better" is bullshit.
"When I'm better" is not a thing for me.
I've always been this way and it works.
You know how I know it works?
Because the only negative about it is that I spend time (waste time) getting caught up in what others might think and/or say about my perceived shortcomings.
But it works for me.
- KF x
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