When declarative language activates the nervous system
[00:00:00] We've been trying to use declarative language, but our PDA sees right through that as a strategy. That's because it is, and your child's very intelligent. And that increases her anxiety based angry explosive reaction, which I totally understand.
[00:00:14] I think that's a rational response. To that kind of framing direct requests are way too demanding, but declarative language is met with suspicion and hypervigilance too. Tell me what the requests are. If you wouldn't mind, if I could have some more information about that, because usually what I respond to these types of questions with is.
[00:00:40] If there is trust and connection, the requests will not be so demanding. If there is a rocky sense of trust or safety, everything's going to be a demand. But we can work on that and we can heal those pathways. Here we go. [00:01:00] For example, I noticed you haven't had your medication today for hay fever, which requires a daily nasal spray And that you're sneezing and struggling with your hay fever. What might help? Yeah. Yes. Okay. I think this is a result of parents and adults conditioned to look for the right answers. We are conditioned to seek out the right experts, the people that have the answers, or the book that tells us exactly how to do it. And it's not our fault. We're doing the best we know to do with the information we have. And I just want to acknowledge that I see you trying really hard to support your child to be healthy and to support your child to have a sense of well being and a better quality of life.
[00:01:50] I also want to say it's really hard to do that, really hard. So it's a great question and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that [00:02:00] because I know a lot of other families will be here totally relating as I do with my little nasal spray over here. Declarative language is a set of strategies.
[00:02:13] I think the best way to put it is we're still asking a question in there. Declarative is not a question. It is declaring something. The word declarative comes from the word declare. When we declare, we make a statement out loud and we leave it. We're not asking any questions. True declarative language would be me saying, I'm going to take my nasal spray.
[00:02:39] But that is going to trigger most PDAs because PDAs are so switched on and that nervous system is so primed to scan and assess for any kind of threat or risk. And [00:03:00] so what often happens is parents, in our very best trying, each new tool that we try and use sets off a new level of anxiety in our child when it's not authentic.
[00:03:17] When they know, ah, they've read another book, ah, they've gone to another talk. So we become less and less trusting of that because it's not real. When I, if I went in and said to my nine year old right now, I can hear that you're making a bit of noise in there, you're a bit dis, bit dysregulated. I know what their response would be.
[00:03:43] It would be something like, Mom, what are you doing? Because they would know instantly, that's not me. That's not me. It is better to be completely honest and transparent with our children in order to establish [00:04:00] trust and connection and relationship first. Now what this often means is the nasal spray comes way down the line.
[00:04:08] It could be secondary, but it could be the last thing too. It's about weighing up. What do we want more? Do we want to put in the time and the effort and trial and error and getting things wrong, but being real and being honest and long term building relationship, building trust so that we don't have to worry about the way we phrase things.
[00:04:40] Or, do we want to keep using phrases and scripts and things like that, and then every time our child hears us do that, their nervous system responds with, oh gosh, where's this one from? And again, that's not about us [00:05:00] being wrong or bad, it's about this societal view that We have to do it a certain way. Maybe it looks and everybody's situation is different, completely different, but maybe it looks like something more along the lines of,
[00:05:19] You know what? You're right. Yep. I'm getting it wrong. I know. And I'm trying so hard. I've really wanted you to have your nasal spray because I hear you sniffing and I just care about your wellbeing. But you know what? I'm going to leave it up to you. I'm just going to let it go. Because I care more about our relationship then what you're squirting up your nostril hole. And I would add that bit in for a bit of humor so we can have a bit of a chuckle together. But if that's not something that you do as a family, that's okay. To begin with, it does feel unnatural to be so honest and transparent. If we're PDAs, [00:06:00] especially if we don't know that, it can even feel really unsafe for us as adults because we've been conditioned to be in control.
[00:06:09] So instead of I hear you sneezing and snorting and sniffing. What might that be about? Or I wonder why or what we could do, what might help? We might go, I just sound like a bloody elephant again. What's happening? Using humour can sometimes work, if that's a part of your natural personality.
[00:06:40] It's going to be different for everyone, but I think the harder we try, the better, right? That's exactly it, Christy. That hypervigilant scanning shuts down any approach we use, even when authentic. I'm an ADHDer myself, so I talk about my meds and what I need without any strategy or intention [00:07:00] beyond what's going on for me.
[00:07:02] And she still explodes about that because she's so used to thinking everything is about her. Yeah, because a lot of things have been about her. So she's probably unable to know the difference anymore. And so there is paranoia. For the PDA er, we feel so unsafe. We can't trust people anymore.
[00:07:23] And it does become a form of paranoia. And for many of us, then it becomes ritualistic, like OCD, or we start controlling our food or, other things. Whatever's not working, it's okay to stop doing it. It's okay to be really left of center and just not talk about any of that anymore.
[00:07:47] Because the thing is, we're wanting to de escalate the nervous system response. And if that means, That we leave her alone to be sniffling. First of all, she's having [00:08:00] a rotten experience where she's sniffling and she's miserable. And she can be responsible for that herself. Because that's what a PDA out wants and needs.
[00:08:10] That autonomy. Now, I know there'll be people thinking, What if it's a depressive illness or something like that and they need medication? And yes, I hear you. But for the purpose of having a runny nose or allergies, maybe it's something that we leave her with and we let it be. Sometimes our children will be, doing the nasal spray and just not telling us about it either. It's okay to let things go and to leave it. A lot of people will say I can't just let my child not exercise, or I can't just let my child not eat vegetables, or I can't let my child not have an education, or I can't let my child be on their screen. But sometimes the other option is If we keep going at it, and keep going at it, it's you know the reference people use when they talk about autistic meltdown?
[00:08:59] Where we [00:09:00] take a 600ml coke and we shake it up, and then we take the lid off at the end of the day and it explodes everywhere. And while they're at school, that's the bottle being shaken up. For a PDA er, we're already shaken up most of the time because we have that hypersensitive neuroception. And so it doesn't take much for us to explode.
[00:09:23] But what happens is, while we're already shaken up, every time somebody around us tries a behavioral approach, which is trying to get us to do things, declarative language, whatever it is, It's shaking the bottle even more. Leaving us alone, or letting us manage things on our own, is putting the bottle down, and allowing the carbonation to settle.
[00:09:51] And sometimes we might end up flat. And that's burnout. That's coming out of survival mode. And that's burnout. And that's normal. I think [00:10:00] about the families who give themselves a hard time because their child's on a screen all the time, or they're sleeping all day and awake all night gaming.
[00:10:10] But the other option is that they're feeling like they want to opt out of life or that they're hurting themselves. So sometimes It's the lesser of two evils. And I just want to say, sometimes we think we're not doing enough, or that we're doing everything wrong, or that our children hate us, and none of that is the case.
[00:10:32] We're always doing the best we can, and so are they. And I think that you know your child really well, and yourself, and sometimes in our best trying and trying as hard as we do, we can actually be activating their nervous system more and ours. Which is a terrible outcome for everybody, because we all end up in burnout.
[00:10:57] So I just want to say, you're doing an amazing job, [00:11:00] and you can let those things go. You can.
