Perfectionism, Perception and PDA

I was discussing with a friend and fellow PDAer yesterday how challenging it can be to realise I am not being 100% honest with myself and/or others when trying to seek support. To be more specific, I was discussing how, in all my years of therapy (since the age of 16) I have been wired to live up to the person that others decide me to be. Each therapist I’ve had has found me to be an ‘extraordinary’ person (their words, not mine) and while I don’t begrudge this and understand it comes from an encouraging place, perceiving me or verbalising and making it known to me who they think I am means that I (even using the term ‘I’ feels wrong here, because it’s beyond my ‘self’ or my awareness in that moment) constantly shape and prune how I show up to fit who they think I am. Or who I think they think I am.

Oof. It’s exhausting. Again, it is not conscious. I don’t make a decision about it or a plan. I don’t realise I’m doing it until I do. “Yes, I’ve already tried that” and then realising I haven’t. Often I’ll say immediately these days to my therapist “That’s bullshit, I haven’t tried. Protective forces stepping up there”..and we’ll chuckle and move on. But it’s not always possible.

This is a messy thing to explain so it won’t be straight forward.

When parents consult with me about their PDA children, sometimes what peaks my interest in terms of their own unrecognised PDA might be their drive to offer enough information to receive ideas or support from me, but when relaying the information about what’s happening, all bases are covered to prevent me from commenting or judging or misunderstanding. I see it because it’s also what I can find myself doing and I can see they're not aware of it. There’s a skill PDAers have where we can share information about ourselves while closing off any potential for unsolicited advice or input.

I want help, but I also have trouble being offered advice or told what to do without responding that yes I’ve heard of that and here’s why it won’t work, or I’ve already tried it. Or, just be silent while sitting with an immediate nervous system reaction.

My immediate response to anything and everything might be No. But sometimes, I need time. Processing, regulating, sense and meaning making time.

It’s the constant balancing that goes on inside of my PDA self.

Equalising, levelling, whatever language we give to it. I want the help. But I don’t want you to perceive me in the process. Don’t decide who I am based on what you see.

I also feel off kilter having asked for help or in the process of receiving it and so my innate response is to level:

“Mum, help me put my shoes on” - “Not like that / they’re too tight / I need new shoes / I don’t like these” etc etc etc.. underneath the perception (being perceived) as an entitled or ungrateful child is a child who may not understand themselves why they’re meeting the help with what is received as negativity or more demands.

If you help me, I no longer feel an equal. This is how my PDA nature perceives the situation, and I am NOT always aware of it. In fact, I become very frustrated with myself.

Of course there are variables: relationship, sense of safety, autonomy, flexibility, my internal thermostat (sleep, nutrition, energy, etc), past associations with trauma, transparency from others and more.

Often when I write posts about this, parents and other adults will ask quite frustratedly “Well that’s not fair on us parents, why do you PDAers complain about everything when we’re trying our best?” Again, this isn’t always a conscious process. It isn’t something we dream up or plan, and it certainly isn’t something I’m aware of in the moment.

Often, I’ll walk away from therapy and realise I said something that wasn’t entirely accurate. And when I become aware of it, I’ll amend it with my therapist. When another adult asks if I know something eg “Do you know the history of sourdough?” (Sorry folks, I’m on a sourdough baking bender at the moment) I won’t answer with “No” because the immediate flash of panic that comes with being asked such a thing means I’ll respond with “What would you like to tell me?” or “I’m not sure”.

This might make more sense if you watch my short clip explaining my experience of PDA here:

https://youtu.be/7Gwbqpxfw7U?si=x4efOMkZ93DtuaIC

Not knowing something often invites someone to share unsolicited information or advice. That equals lack of consent and I feel panic set in. People often interpret this as ego or pride. The amount of times I was told I was ‘stuck up’ or thought I was better than others is countless. And very untrue.

As an adult, I become aware at some point of what’s happening inside and outside of myself and I’m able to be with it and work with it before receiving support but it’s messy. It takes time. It might be an email, and I need time to process it, or to get the green light from my nervous system to move forward. When we as people are conditioned to ‘follow up’ on emails and I receive a reminder or another email saying “Hey! You haven’t responded yet, just following up” I am back at square one.

But what others often don’t understand is that this is often developed as a means of avoiding dysregulation to keep both myself and others away from my panic, my anger, meltdowns, etc that are a direct result of an escalated, dysregulated nervous system.

Perfectionism means my brain works overtime to be just right, say the right things, do the right things always in order to keep myself safe. For me, this comes with the territory of being a PDA kid who is consistently misunderstood, but worse than that: a child who was too afraid to try anything for fear of getting it wrong, or due to others trying to shape the way I show up.

Once others get their hands on my interests, such as commodifying them as a means of compliance, or for production (I used to love playing the piano until I was assigned a piano teacher), I am threatened. My fight or flight is activated. “Kristy is an exceptional pianist” can result in me never playing again, or playing poorly. Sometimes this will be because my brain literally forgets some of the notes to a song, or the threat of having someone tell me exactly ‘how’ to do it is an incredibly threatening situation.

Think school. “Learn this, like this, in this moment”. I’ll try, sure, but then my brain will take me elsewhere to avoid the dysregulation that comes from not being self led.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me being this way. It can be frustrating and requires a lot of learning to ‘be with’ and work with but I’m not sure others truly realise how inaccessible life can be for the PDAer due to what are such overlooked, commonplace non consensual ways of adults interacting with children and one another.

“What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly” - diversity.

I do believe people come into the world as they’re supposed to, worthy and with contributions our normative practices don’t allow us to see or acknowledge.

As a PDAer, I have incredible strengths. But as soon as my way of being and doing are ‘perceived’ by others, dictated to by others, perfectionism sets in and I will struggle to get started, no matter how much I want to. As soon as those comments come in, the work will be redundant or destroyed because my worth has been attached to an outcome; or something I have produced as opposed to the importance of who I am as a being, stripped of what I can achieve.

These posts often result in comments such as “Well how do we fix this” or “Just tell us what to do as parents!” and I often wonder if it’s possible for people to just listen, read, be with the experiences of others and gently consider that not everything has a solution, a quick fix or is even truly a problem.

KF