I learnt to always pretend

I used to regularly go through periods in my life

Where I could feel myself unravelling

This could obviously only mean that

I spent the rest of the time tightly wound

Always hypervigilant about my behaviour

The way my face looked, my expressions

The way I moved my body

The tone, pitch and intonation of my voice

The clothing I chose

The music I’d listen to in observation

The way I’d greet people

Stare at them intently while they spoke

Making sure I’d push through illness

Do my best at warding off migraines

I’d have periods where I couldn’t keep at it any longer

And another version of me would start to come through

I liked it

But I wasn’t in company

Others found me outspoken

Inflammatory

Rude

Hyperactive

In need of calm

To see things another way

To not be so sensitive

To not take things the wrong way

To remember what was “actually said”

Rather than my recollection of it

I eventually came to understand that part of me

As a sick part, an unwell part

At least, that’s what I was told

“Don’t listen to your head, it’s sick”

Indoctrinated into the world of conformity

Neuronormative everything

Punished for things I didn’t understand

Not believed when I said I didn’t understand

Learning just to go along with it

To say “Yes, I’m sorry”

Until people would realise I didn’t really understand

And then I’d be in trouble for not speaking up

About not understanding

I learnt to always pretend

I understand

And even today I have to consciously practice

Asking for clarification

It doesn’t come naturally to me

It doesn’t always feel safe to me

Today I know

That part of me that used to come through

That unravelling

That part I worked so hard to cover up

That part I was encouraged to bind up

So tightly

Was all of me

Was autism

Was all of me

Was my autism

Was all of me

Was me

Autistic

Was all of me, autistic.

.

.

.

Kristy Forbes

inTune Pathways

.

.Image: Deviantart