Two weeks ago, my ten-year-old spilled a raspberry slurpee on my bedroom carpet.
I was exhausted and snapped. I raised my voice in panic and frustration and immediately regretted it.
For many of our children, humiliation is quick to set in along with rejection and shame and I saw it all move across my little one's face. It hurt and I grappled with regret, remorse & guilt along with the lingering frustration.
In my family, repair isn’t as simple as a quick "I'm sorry." My child needed me regulated, not just apologetic.
I had to first sit with myself & process my own emotions.
Regulation isn't calm. It's being with whatever comes up, going into it and moving through it before responding, as opposed to reacting whilst in that state of heightened arousal and big feelings.
If I had tried to force closeness before I was truly ready.."Come on, let's have a cuddle", it wouldn’t have worked. It would have been a dismissal of my child's experience and a quick attempt at overlooking a very real experience for us both.
Repair isn’t just words. It’s about showing up with genuine sincerity. It's putting aside the need to be in authority, showing my humanness and ultimately, it is modelling.
When I was ready, I went to them and said:
"I know that must have been scary. I can see you're really sad and I had some really big feelings there. I wish I had responded differently. I'm sorry my darling, it was just an accident and it's okay” and that was the moment we could finally regulate together..or co-regulate. It was only then that they could come and curl up with me under the blanket. Because our kids don’t just hear our words—they feel our energy.
Repair is about connection, not just an apology.
There's an important process for me:
1. Name the child's experience that I am able to witness: "I know that must have been scary. I can see you're really sad."
2. Name my regret, remorse with sincerity: "I wish I had responded differently. I'm sorry my darling"
3. Name the reality of the situation, reframing it with humanness: "It was just an accident and it's okay."
Do you have a process you find helpful for coregulation?