PDA accommodations for children can be challenging for parents and carers to identify

My youngest says "No" and all its variations in response to almost every request I make of them.

And I don't flinch.

This is an accommodation. It is a means of balancing what feels off kilter for a PDAer when a demand is present for them, and an opportunity for me to allow a replenishment of perceived autonomy.

Sometimes, it's even a flipping of the bird. Yup.

There were years where I would have punished that. I would have reacted, and made it personal that my child said No to everything I asked of them, no matter the outcome or the series of events that came after. I was 'trained' as a parent by society to expect a certain level of 'respect' and that included not telling me NO when I asked my children to do something.

Yikes.

Here's the thing: my child says No, takes some time, and..

.. does exactly as I request of them (sometimes with their own additional bits and bobs).

Saying No = balancing, equalising, levelling, equity seeking.

Taking time = being with stillness while allowing their nervous system time to adjust while also taking back energetically, their agency their sensitive neurology perceives is lost.

It isn't personal. It's how we do things as PDAers.

The reason they're able to get things done, is because they know I can manage my own responses, reactions, triggers, feelings and thoughts about how they go about managing themselves and understand this is them doing the best they can to manage demands.

I don't always get it perfect. I'm human. I can be impatient, over it, not up for this today. But that same knowing they have of me - that I am committed to repair when things go pear shaped, is what sustains us. Relationship. They know I have their back.

There are times they can't. They can't do the things. And I see it, hear it and accept it.

It has taken years of repair to be the parent of a PDAer who can shower, eat well, contribute to a healthy and wholesome lifestyle at home (as opposed to calling it doing chores), and try new things.

Relational wounds started at home with my conditioning as a parent, a PDAer myself and my child's time in the educational system. I'm also a teacher, so I'm passionate about education - but more passionate about childhood development and wellbeing. Anti oppressive wellbeing for the family.

Would my child flip the bird at me in public? Or say No to me in public? Only if they knew they were in private and safe company, but typically, no.

Other ways accommodations (equalising, levelling, balancing) show up in our household:

- throwing toilet rolls on the floor to be able to use the toilet
- using more shampoo than necessary to be able to shower
- complaining about every single experience even when we love it

None of it is ideal, but it isn't the end of the world either.

It's real and true and we're far better off working with the reality of how things actually are, as opposed to how we want things to be.

Some of us have crawled back from years of burnout, with no other choice than to strip back and strip back and strip back with our babies. We've been there, you know? On the receiving end of well intentioned advice, shamed and blamed, in all the programs and reading the books, etc etc etc. You know how it goes.

Many of us disengage from what are often even considered progressive in their approach with PDAers, because they still pigeon hole, use frameworks, are prescriptive based on pathology.. and this goes against what I need as a PDAer.

To be free, to have the level of autonomy I need, is to be seen and accepted as me. Not another PDAer.

Just as me.

I encourage us all to consider the 'behaviours' we're told are unacceptable, or confrontational, or even abusive in our children as forms of balancing in a person that requires equity outside of sociopolitical hierarchies.

We might all be surprised and open up to learning from our children just how rigid our conditioning is.

KF