PDA Parenting Isn’t Perfect: It’s Real, Raw, and Relational

One night, not so long ago, we had a PDA standoff.. well, not really a 'stand off' but a "let's see which PDAer can hang in there the longest" with one of my PDAers.

It's shower night. I reminded them.

"Nah, I'm good" say they, an accommodation they use and I'm fine with, to allow themselves to regulate the nervous system response that comes along with the demand.

"Let's start the movie, I'll eat dinner and then have a shower" and I agree to their plan.

Then dinner finishes, and they grab an icey pole. Then I notice the icey pole is done, but I give it time.

When I pause the TV, they look at me and smile with a head tilt. A sigh is let out and they start talking over me in a silly voice every time I speak.

This is called equalising..balancing..levelling..equity seeking. Making it 'even stevens'. Not like revenge..like a set of scales that feel safest when in perfect balance. I, one side and they, the other.

I say "Yep. I know it's hard to shower, there's no rush. Can you find another way to level?" which only makes it louder. We both laugh.

This happens. We both know how to manage PDA, how to meet it, how to dance with it. But night time is too hard. We're both tired and so we throw demands at one another just as much as we avoid them for ourselves.

We back and forth with silly voices, throw our arms up and use our bodies to annoy one another (still in a levelling battle), and neither of us wants to be the first to let go. We're tired.

We're PDA jousting.

The tension is in the air. This can go either way now - the shower will happen, or it won't.

And either is absolutely fine.

Our relationship means we don't have to work so hard anymore on repair. Short term repair, incidental repair - yes. Everyday stuff. But long term repair, not so much. I've been working at that for five years.

Five years ago I brought them home from school. I had to wait. I had to honour their experience and wait until they were ready, until they'd had enough of trying.

They tried so, so hard. They tried to do it all right. To be still, to adhere. God they tried.

I've been in long term repair for five years, rebuilding what was lost for a little while in the thick of it all. I'd cry at night, feeling I'd let them down so much. It's so hard not to think there's something wrong with you; with your parenting.

It's been five years. They do chores, they sleep in their own bed, they shower, they're a great pet owner and a wonderful, wonderful kid. And, sometimes they don't do chores, they still co-sleep with me, go days unshowered (they're consistently a great pet owner and a wonderful, wonderful kid though).

There are days we can and days we can't. There are moments we can and moments we can't. Capacity fluctuates.

But with those hard years in rebuilding, we're been given grace and space. We don't walk on egg shells around one another anymore. We do consider each other, we're respectful and compassionate. But we joust. It's how we manage - a tool, using humour to strengthen our bond.

Declarative language, strategies and solutions aren't so necessary. We make mistakes, we tell each other when there are too many demands and we hear each other too. We don't take it personally, it's PDA.

It's been hard to get here. I know so many parents will know. There were three older siblings before them. It took me four children to 'get it'. And, I'm PDA.

We don't do perfect, we do genuine. Real. Honest.

I've learnt so much about myself, and the lifestyle I require to be able to support myself via my children.

It's been hard, and so worth it.

Shower's been had, and it's time to unpause the movie.

Hang in there. I know sometimes life is so hard in our PDA homes, but there is so much goodness too.

KF x