Firmer boundaries, comfort zones and PDA

I recently heard a Clinical Psychologist recommend parents of PDAers do the following:

- Have firmer boundaries

- Use declarative language ("It's important we shower for healthy skin" to have child shower)

- Continue to push child out of their comfort zone

I want to address these.

A child in chronic distress, operating from their threat response is responding to the world from their primitive brain. This is separate to their prefrontal cortex and conscious mind. When working from the primitive responses, our ability to engage rationality, regulation, personality development and appropriate responses to our environment (and so many other daily living cognitive skills) are offline. When a child is responding to their environment from this space, boundaries are threatening and demanding, and only serve to have the child feel more isolated and disconnected from their care provider. This is frustrating to hear and read, and it's still true.

Stating a fact around showers being important for skin health when a child cannot shower due to their threat response being highly activated and not feeling safe, is akin to telling someone with an injured knee the benefits of running. Yes, the child hears and knows the importance and they are still unable to access the exercise. It is not a choice and stating the benefits of showering only leaves them feeling shamed and often gaslit. This is not how declarative language works. 

Continuing to push a PDA child in distress (measured by the level of resistance and distress present) outside their comfort zone will traumatise them, create an environment of zero safety and isolate them. It will potentially push them into chronic illness and/or other forms of control seeking such as OCD, restrictive eating and other equity seeking behaviours that will then require long term support as a result of poor parenting advice. (Encouraging the person with the injured knee to run before rest for recovery). And for a PDA child in distress, once they lose the trust with their caregiver, there is no such thing as a comfort zone.

Caregivers of PDAers attempt using this poorly informed advice every day, only to find their children more distressed; in turn blaming themselves. They're also continuously told their own level of wellbeing impacts their child's, when they're chronically stressed and exhausted; some with PTSD as a result of being unsupported and under resourced.

It is not your fault. You are doing your best. If something isn't working for your child, then it isn't working and you can try something else.

If something isn't working for you, it isn't working and you can try something else.

You know your child. You know yourself. I believe you. It's okay to not have all the answers. This is the first time you are parenting the child in front of you, this is a first for both of you and this is not typical caregiving. You are doing great at being creative and trying all you can. You are allowed to rest, and it is important that your child be able to rest without demands until it is safe to move forward.

You are seen here. Thousands of people out here have compassion for you and know that you are doing an incredible job, even if and when your trials do not create a shift in your child's challenges. Every time you do try, you demonstrate your commitment to your child and we see and know this.

You are not alone. I know the world shames caregivers of PDAers, and we shame ourselves.

We feel the pressure to adapt, conform and comply to social and cultural norms, even when we know they create an environment that is counterproductive for our child's recovery.

It is so important to avoid internalising shame or guilt for this, it is a protective measure to keep ourselves and our children safe from systems that openly shun, bully and shame us and our children; and seldom offer the compassion and empathy we would recover far more quickly with.

Society's needs are not aligned with those of our families, or with most people's needs. Our human rights are not prioritised, you are not imagining this.

But there are still good people in the world. So many beautiful, kind, generous people who care and who believe us and our children. Good organisations, great professionals and practitioners, good Doctors and clinicians, great groups and wonderful supports.

You are doing a wonderful job, and I see you.

KF