I’m sitting out on the balcony, really loving the breeze and the trees and the birds and I’ve been thinking about going home in four days.
How much I miss my little girls and my husband and my home.
This is the first time since I was eighteen years old that I’ve been able to get out of bed when my body is ready, go to bed whenever I want to, focus on projects that bring me joy..uninterrupted, cook, reconnect with the things that make me feel happy and good.
I have been..so present. And so..in love..with life.
When I go home, my life will change dramatically.
That’s okay, it’s not good or bad.
This time that I’ve had, this two weeks in quarantine with my eldest daughter, has helped me to learn more about what I need to thrive and to be more in love with my life, more than I’ve ever learnt, at any other stage.
I’ve mentioned before that being a PDAer means that for me, the only time I thrive and I’m at my happiest is when I’m living intuitively.
I do EVERYTHING intuitively.
The gift of being here, in quarantine and not having any time constraints is that I’ve ONLY been doing things intuitively.
I’ve been eating better, I’ve been exercising, I’ve been getting enough sleep, I’ve been drinking enough water, I’ve been creative, I’ve been writing, I’ve been.. SO PRESENT IN MY LIFE.
I’ve been able to offer myself love and unconditional acceptance.
I’ve been able to support myself in all the ways I need to be supported.
And, it’s because I haven’t had society breathing down my proverbial neck pressuring me; telling me what to do and how to do it.
Eat like this, cook like this, exercise like this.
Think like this, feel like this.
We have no idea of the amount of pressure we are under.
We’ve lost touch with this.
As a PDAer, I’m acutely aware that I often feel pressured and bombarded by society and I make a consistently conscious effort not to buy into that in order to support my autistic neurobiology.
But this experience has shown me just how much pressure everybody is under; neurodivergent or not.
The self loathing, the self rejecting and the self hatred so many people experience comes from the feeling of inadequacy that arises from comparison.
The comparison to others who ARE doing the things that they’re told to do by society.
So many people that self reject look at the people who ‘do all the things’ and think that they’ve got it all together.
I would not be able to breathe if I lived that way.
I would not be able to breathe if my life was aligned with following rules and doing the things I’m told to do.
I was born, we are all born with a mind and a heart. And I want to use those.
I want to know why I’m here. Why “I” AM HERE.
I don’t want to come into the world, do what I’m told all of my life and then die.
The mere thought causes me to take a cleansing breath in and exhale deeply to manage my internal anxiety and resistance in response to the very idea.
Some of us are happy to live this way.
That is neither good or bad, we all have a place, we all fit into this huge picture in whatever way we do.
But some of us suffer inside because we are MEANT for difference.
We are meant for different things.
We are meant to revolt.
We are meant to resist.
We are meant to be who we are to create change.
To force a change in collective consciousness.
Like our children who cannot attend school, who battle anxiety.
They force us to speak openly, to challenge the current climate, which in turn will create change, no matter how slow.
For many of us, being autistic or neurodivergent means that our brains, our hearts, our neurobiology is not aligned with what society has to offer.
Trying to fit into that system kills us. Slowly.
And, we don’t even know it.
We think we’re shit.
We think we’re wrong.
That we can’t do like others, so there MUST be something WRONG with US.
And this could not be further from the truth.
And I know that so many of us KNOW THIS.
The light inside of my community, my autistic kin is being dimmed.
Sometimes, until it’s out.
I will never live that way again. Ever.
If nobody likes me, if my body is inadequate, if I don’t have incredible academic scores or meet up to any of the extremely shallow and superficial ways in which society would deem me acceptable or worthy..
Then who cares?
I get to live in my full, authentic expression.
Nothing beats that feeling.
Living as who I am MEANT to be.
It isn’t easy.
It isn’t easy to like ourselves in a world gone mad with self hatred being promoted left, right and centre.
Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s terrifying. Sometimes it’s sad.
There’s grief. There’s a lot of letting go.
The people come.
Our people come.
Our lives; my life..came along.
My life came along.
Our thoughts, feelings and experiences are ever evolving and they change.
This is important in order to be able to create space for growth.
It’s okay to change our minds.
I love being autistic.
I love that I don’t get a choice about being different.
It is absolutely challenging in so many ways.
And yet, I’d never want to be any other way than different.
It is an honour.
I would die inside; I would suffocate if I had to live as others do.
I’ve tried. I spent 35 years doing all the neuronormative, socially acceptable things.
I’m not made for that. I’m not.
When we support our children, our autistic loved ones to align with their purpose, to align with the lifestyle they’re MEANT to have, and to let them figure that out intuitively..
To stand back, let go, and trust in the process,
That is when we thrive.
All of the most amazing attributes live inside autistic people.
A beautiful sense of morality,
Consideration and care for others
Deep compassion and empathy
And that solid sense; that unshakeable, immovable sense of social justice
It is all there.
It is all there, underneath the surface.
But we have to pull those layers away first.
And so many of those layers are created in the process of shutting down our inherent autistic expression and forcing us into living and being in alignment with something we are not meant for.
I am going home to do things differently.
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