When I was a small child, my most favourite place to be was my Grandparents’ home.
It was a huge house, built on a property surrounded by thousands and thousands of acreage - trees, dirt, animals, water, fruit trees, and miles and miles of quiet.
I would roam, freely. I was never bored and would spend hours and hours exploring and truly connecting with each and every part of my environment.
The air against my face, the smell of my surroundings (I no longer have a sense of smell or taste and this brings me sadness at times only because I can’t smell nature), the sounds of birds and the rustling of the trees.
All of it.
It was real and true and right.
It was the only thing in the world that was real and true and right.
Inside of my connection with places in nature, there existed (exists) a communication. I could sense many things all at once. The coming and goings of others, events, emotions, all sensed within the energy that we are all a part of.
Nature was my Mother, my Father, my carer, my everything.
It was the one place I felt surrounded by whole and complete unconditional love.
I felt celebrated as a child when I arrived, greeting my surroundings with an energetic exchange of deep gratitude and love.
A deep sense of sadness was something I experienced every time I had to separate from the trees, the wind, my raw and untouched natural world.
I felt such emptiness at the monotony of the man made world. Insignificant concerns and words.
So many words. So much energy wasted on words attached to superficial and what felt like meaningless, purposeless things.
Every chance I had as a young person, I asked my Grandparents if I could come and visit for a “holiday”.
I longed for the natural world.
I remained deeply immersed with that world until I discovered drugs and alcohol at 14 years of age.
Nature was my remedy. It was my balm. It was my family.
The more I was expected as a human being to engage and connect with the man made world, the more disconnected and confused I became.
Just so bloody sad.
I was watching my daughter playing a video game this morning. In the game was a little girl running around in nature and I was surprised to feel a deep, deep pain and sadness inside myself.
A longing. A grief. Loss.
I still dream about my Grandparents’ home to this day.
I dream of sitting on the verandah and crying, the dog sitting with me, licking my hand.
I dream of the wind, the channels, the chickens.
I was not separate from nature and it was not separate from me.
And when we moved into town and I no longer had access to that same space, the loss was all encompassing.
I was a child that knew I was different. I was not like the others.
I needed different things. Many of us do.
There are times where I tap into that force; that energy. And I know this might not make sense to many, many people reading.
There is an energy that exists, that we are all a part of. It returns human beings to their natural state, where social hierarchies don’t exist. Where there is no power between people.
It’s a space that is unseen and unheard, but felt by many, many of us who are different.
I see people through it’s lens. I see people, places and things through this lens.
I am often unacceptable to the man made world, but embraced and nurtured by the natural world.
Much of my sadness growing up; my despair, my longing, was for that space. That energy.
I know when it flows through others; it’s how I recognise my Neurokin.
Autistic people. Neurodivergent people. And Indigenous people.
My closest friends growing up were Indigenous people and their families, who embraced me as their own.
We are drawn to what exists within us. We either respond with love and bring it closer, acknowledging and accepting those parts of us.
Or we respond with hate, and project out into the world what we reject within us.
But either way; no matter what we choose, love or hate; we draw it to us.
For many of us, there will always remain a longing.
A longing for the place. The place we know we better fit; where we belong.
And this is a sadness that cannot be amended, corrected, medicated, trained away with social skills.
It is a longing for a space with intention, purpose, unconditional acceptance and complete love.
Image Credit: Skitter photo
(Image description: A photo of a young child outside, standing on top of a large rock. They are facing a wide stretch of tall trees and their arms are raised wide above their head.)
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