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I will not wait until I’m in my last days.

autism autistic autonomy health identity joy mental health radical acceptance Oct 03, 2023

So many people unconsciously spend (waste) their lives working toward what they hope will be peace, one day.

Work hard, then rest.

Main meal first, then dessert.

Wees first, then poos. (I made that one up because order hurts my PDA autistic ADHD brain).

We’ve been taught to abandon our birthrites and any kind of true, deep, connected pleasure from life; unless we are financially privileged and then we can do whatever we like.

But those of us who long for the deeper connection with earth, with the ones we love, are also those of us who take on that collective guilt and gaslighting if we rest.

If we rest. If we take time for ourselves. If we laugh. If we eat takeout. If we sneak in a durry. If we say No.

The most beautiful bodies of work around the regrets of the dying are by those of us who have deep enough wells of empathy that we’d write books to bring hope and change.

But notice those giving up the regrets are dying? What were they doing before? Why didn’t they spend more time with their families rather than not and why didn’t they realize it before?

Maybe we need to start back at the beginning?

I’m 44. Chronically ill. A single parent. A full time carer. A company Director and employer. A student. A friend. A sister, daughter, all that.

I resist.

I will indulge. I will immerse. I will engage. I will connect. I will love and I will live the best life for me until I can’t.

I’ll build the fire pit and sit in the sun with my silly hat on.

I’ll plant the garden and say no the party.

I’ll apologize to my children and let things go when they no longer feel right.

I won’t justify; which means I won’t qualify.

This is my life. Now. Not a practice session. The only life as me, Kristy.

I’ll sit on the couch with my 12 year old watching the same five minute YouTube video on repeat all day and I’ll cry about it with a friend later

Beauty is on offer to me in so many people, places and things and I will indulge. I will immerse. I will engage.

I will not wait until I’m in my last days.

- KF

Image is a classic ADHD not to do pic. KF is dozing in the sun without sunscreen. Jerry can of fuel in the sun and dog poop scooper in blue. Welc.


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